I just heard a good joke. Y'all got any?

CoTtOnMoUf

DUMBED DOWN TO BLEND IN
BGOL Legend
Here's one...



One day, in line at the cafeteria, James says to Dennis behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Dennis replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So James deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, James began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and son, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. James hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Get him to a vet.

3. Your son has a cocaine habit. Get him into rehab...

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop jacking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Walmart.





:lol2: :lol2:
 
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Rythm

Rising Star
Platinum Member
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths all occurred around 11:00 A.M. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents..

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 A.M. all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits..

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Bubba Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
 
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sammyjax

Grand Puba of Science
Platinum Member
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths all occurred around 11:00 A.M. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents..

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 A.M. all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits..

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
say bruh
 

CoTtOnMoUf

DUMBED DOWN TO BLEND IN
BGOL Legend
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"



:lol2:
 
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CoTtOnMoUf

DUMBED DOWN TO BLEND IN
BGOL Legend
An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to have sex.

The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition. “I should tell you, I have acute angina. “she said.

The man replied, “well that’s good because you have the ugliest tits I've ever seen!"
 

CoTtOnMoUf

DUMBED DOWN TO BLEND IN
BGOL Legend
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “You have a license in all of these states... Just where the hell are you from? “The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”


:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
 

CoTtOnMoUf

DUMBED DOWN TO BLEND IN
BGOL Legend
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with,

but I've been trippin' all day.





























rimshot-pun.gif
 
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Rythm

Rising Star
Platinum Member
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather be working."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter...

You'll have to drive her around in his 2017 Mercedes-Benz CLS, and he will supply all of your upscale clothes...

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided...

You'll also be expected to escort his daughter on her overseas holiday trips...

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid 20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull$hitting me!"

The social worker says, "Well you started it"
 

Princenubian

Rising Star
Registered
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!" "I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"



:lol2:

:roflmao::roflmao:

When I die, I want to go peacefully and serenely just like Grandpa did.....



Not screaming and panicking like the passengers in the car.

Carry on.......
 

TENT

Rising Star
BGOL Investor
Pookie Johnson? What the fuck. You a CAC!

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths all occurred around 11:00 A.M. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents..

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 A.M. all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits..

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
 

55th View

Rising Star
Registered
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths all occurred around 11:00 A.M. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents..

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 A.M. all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits..

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
 

55th View

Rising Star
Registered
A lawyer, a doctor, a little boy and a priest were all out on a small plane for an afternoon flight when the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the pilot's best efforts, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot yelled out to his passengers that they'd better jump, grabbed a parachute and bailed out. Unfortunately, that left only three remaining parachutes.

Grabbing one, the doctor said, "I am a doctor and I save lives, so I must live," and he jumped.

Retlaw, the lawyer, then grabbed a parachute and said, "I am the smartest man in the world. I definitely deserve to live." Then he jumped.

Looking at the young boy, the priest said, "Son, I have been fortunate to have lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

Handing the parachute back to the priest, the little boy said, "Don't worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just jumped out the fucking plane with my backpack!"
 

Rythm

Rising Star
Platinum Member
A hooded robber burst into a Kansas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Kansas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moments hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak

Then, one old farmer named Bill from Missouri tentatively raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you."
 

Rythm

Rising Star
Platinum Member
Dog hearing problem

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
 

CoTtOnMoUf

DUMBED DOWN TO BLEND IN
BGOL Legend
Dog hearing problem

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."




DizzyOccasionalAfricanwildcat-size_restricted.gif
 
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thundercat

Rising Star
BGOL Investor
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths all occurred around 11:00 A.M. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents..

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 A.M. all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits..

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Bubba Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Was good up until the vacuum cleaner part. There's no carpet in patient areas.
 

TimRock

Don't let me be misunderstood
BGOL Investor
A hooded robber burst into a Kansas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Kansas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moments hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak

Then, one old farmer named Bill from Missouri tentatively raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you."
:roflmao:
 
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