Three question areas:
1. Have you ever been in a position in a relationship where your partner could have reasonably been given this advice? Or where you could have?
2. If you were the partner, would you even try? Could you or anyone succeed?
3. Is this good advice in this situation? Is it ever?
About a year ago, I confronted my husband of more than 10 years with evidence that he had surreptitiously set up a web camera in our bedroom, with the intent of watching me masturbate while I was home and he was elsewhere. He admitted it, and it has been an extremely difficult year working through the anger, betrayal, and feelings of violation. After several months of joint and one-on-one therapy, I chose to stay in the marriage. We are doing OK and are at a point where some days I can almost forget what he did. However, he is increasingly seeking physical and sexual affection that I cannot bring myself to engage in. We have kissed, cuddled, etc., but the thought of anything further makes me want to vomit. We had an amazing sex life before this, built on a foundation of a decade of trust and exploration, and I cannot get myself back to that level of intimacy and vulnerability. Part of me thinks I need to rip the Band-Aid off, get drunk, and let it happen in order to move forward. Part of me never wants to have sex with him again.
I realize I am still processing a trauma, but what do I do? In my most negative moments, I feel like I’m supposed to have sex with the person who sexually assaulted me, and I don’t know how to move forward.
—Unwilling Cam Girl
Dear Unwilling Cam Girl,
I think you need more time, and that you should take it. And then take some more. By deceiving and violating you, your husband knocked the center of power way off balance in your relationship, and you deserve all the time you need to restore it. I don’t need to tell you that he did something terrible to you, but I want to emphasize just how much everything needs to be on your terms for now. Your husband should devote his life to deferring to you.
I understand that you want to maintain this relationship, and I trust that you’ve done a lot of work in therapy and with your husband to reach that decision, but wow are you signing up for a herculean task. I imagine getting to a place of normalcy with your husband will be about as easy as climbing a mountain in roller skates. Resuming a sexual relationship with someone who was the cause of trauma can’t have much of a success rate (or much of an attempt rate for that matter). It still would be extremely reasonable to listen to the part of you that never wants to have sex with him again, but since you decided to stay, I hope your therapy is ongoing and I recommend working on this very issue with a professional. Maybe the answer is to focus on what attracted you to him in the first place; maybe you have to build a whole new image of him in your head to move forward sexually. I think it largely depends on your specific needs and it will be a matter of (very careful) trial and error.
Whatever method you decide on, I hope it isn’t ripping the Band-Aid off and thrusting yourself back into a sexual relationship—exposure therapy isn’t really something you want to fool around with or self-administer. You could retraumatize yourself and for what? Him? He’s taken quite enough already.
1. Have you ever been in a position in a relationship where your partner could have reasonably been given this advice? Or where you could have?
2. If you were the partner, would you even try? Could you or anyone succeed?
3. Is this good advice in this situation? Is it ever?
About a year ago, I confronted my husband of more than 10 years with evidence that he had surreptitiously set up a web camera in our bedroom, with the intent of watching me masturbate while I was home and he was elsewhere. He admitted it, and it has been an extremely difficult year working through the anger, betrayal, and feelings of violation. After several months of joint and one-on-one therapy, I chose to stay in the marriage. We are doing OK and are at a point where some days I can almost forget what he did. However, he is increasingly seeking physical and sexual affection that I cannot bring myself to engage in. We have kissed, cuddled, etc., but the thought of anything further makes me want to vomit. We had an amazing sex life before this, built on a foundation of a decade of trust and exploration, and I cannot get myself back to that level of intimacy and vulnerability. Part of me thinks I need to rip the Band-Aid off, get drunk, and let it happen in order to move forward. Part of me never wants to have sex with him again.
I realize I am still processing a trauma, but what do I do? In my most negative moments, I feel like I’m supposed to have sex with the person who sexually assaulted me, and I don’t know how to move forward.
—Unwilling Cam Girl
Dear Unwilling Cam Girl,
I think you need more time, and that you should take it. And then take some more. By deceiving and violating you, your husband knocked the center of power way off balance in your relationship, and you deserve all the time you need to restore it. I don’t need to tell you that he did something terrible to you, but I want to emphasize just how much everything needs to be on your terms for now. Your husband should devote his life to deferring to you.
I understand that you want to maintain this relationship, and I trust that you’ve done a lot of work in therapy and with your husband to reach that decision, but wow are you signing up for a herculean task. I imagine getting to a place of normalcy with your husband will be about as easy as climbing a mountain in roller skates. Resuming a sexual relationship with someone who was the cause of trauma can’t have much of a success rate (or much of an attempt rate for that matter). It still would be extremely reasonable to listen to the part of you that never wants to have sex with him again, but since you decided to stay, I hope your therapy is ongoing and I recommend working on this very issue with a professional. Maybe the answer is to focus on what attracted you to him in the first place; maybe you have to build a whole new image of him in your head to move forward sexually. I think it largely depends on your specific needs and it will be a matter of (very careful) trial and error.
Whatever method you decide on, I hope it isn’t ripping the Band-Aid off and thrusting yourself back into a sexual relationship—exposure therapy isn’t really something you want to fool around with or self-administer. You could retraumatize yourself and for what? Him? He’s taken quite enough already.
