This^^^ Started around 19 when my father passed. Changed my view of and tolerance of people.
BGOL 35+: Have you had to shrink your circle of friends/family? UPDATE!
- Thread starter playahaitian
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This^^^ Started around 19 when my father passed. Changed my view of and tolerance of people.
one of my best friends ended up homeless off some child support and her filing false charges against him...got the house and even his wages garnished. He was actually in a shelter for a while. After that he found out who his real friends are. He act cool with everyone but deep down dude aint never gonna forget who just left him hanging. Stayed positive throughout great job married kids got shared custody now...
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salute fam
My circle has always been small.
I've had the same 6 friends since middle school. Going on 35 and those same friends are still there and we still hangout and are as silly now as we were then.
Lost two of the crew WAY too early, but that just made those still alive tighter and value our friendship even more.
And in all those years we've NEVER had a fight or argument......those are friends I'll grow old with
I'm just here so I don't get fined
I've had the same 6 friends since middle school. Going on 35 and those same friends are still there and we still hangout and are as silly now as we were then.
Lost two of the crew WAY too early, but that just made those still alive tighter and value our friendship even more.
And in all those years we've NEVER had a fight or argument......those are friends I'll grow old with
I'm just here so I don't get fined
The advice I came in to give^^^^ As you get older, you learn who the users and abusers are, and no matter how disloyal you may feel...you gotta let them go.
I had to downgrade a friend last summer because it felt like this person went out of their way to fuck up the annual shore trip with the homies. Not to sound like an ass, but I have some very simple rules that we abide by...and he violated rule #1: Never diss your friends in front of women to make yourself look better. Not only is it cockblocking, you playing your friend in front of strangers is rank of low self esteem...and the not having money to get the next round, but you are buying women fancy drinks. You can't accept 3 rounds of drinks then bounce when it s your turn to pay.
Get leeches and snakes out of your life early. If you have to complain more than a handful of times about a friend, they aren't really your friend.
a lot of people confuse leeches with
friends..
leeches perfected the friend vibe...
you can shrink all the friends you want...
come into some money, you will be shrinking
all your fuckin life...
ask any lotto winner!
friends..
leeches perfected the friend vibe...
you can shrink all the friends you want...
come into some money, you will be shrinking
all your fuckin life...
ask any lotto winner!
Circle is the same as it always was. I always chose friends very wisely, ALL of my friends are smart, and doing well. At this point I have a long tedious process to get into my inner circle. With a set of great friends I'm in no rush to add to the mix and potentially fuck it up.
I'm going through this situation now with a homegirl I've had for several years, through college and beyond...
All of her sudden, her mood and vibe have "switched up on me." Now, I'm a woman, so I don't want to just cut her off like that...but, she's lost many a friend in the past and a part of me wants to show her that she'll keep losing friends if she doesn't change her ways...THEN, there's a part of me that;s like, "fuck it - why does it even matter anymore? Just cut her off and keep moving..."
All of her sudden, her mood and vibe have "switched up on me." Now, I'm a woman, so I don't want to just cut her off like that...but, she's lost many a friend in the past and a part of me wants to show her that she'll keep losing friends if she doesn't change her ways...THEN, there's a part of me that;s like, "fuck it - why does it even matter anymore? Just cut her off and keep moving..."
Some great knowledge in here...
As one gets older, the less bullshit you want to deal with.
If having peace of mind means having to let some people go, so be it.
Most times, you grow, have other interests, while some just choose to stay on the same bullshit, and stagnant.
Life goes on.
And OP - Your initial post sounds just like me these days. I'd rather chill at the crib, cook, invite some selected folks over.
I'm 38. Going out is for the birds
Last time I went out with some friends, I felt like a fish out of water, and told my boy, we are too old for this. If anything we need to be plotting on how to own a club/joint so that these young cats can come pay us coming to our establishment.
Things got to change
If having peace of mind means having to let some people go, so be it.
Most times, you grow, have other interests, while some just choose to stay on the same bullshit, and stagnant.
Life goes on.
And OP - Your initial post sounds just like me these days. I'd rather chill at the crib, cook, invite some selected folks over.
I'm 38. Going out is for the birds
Last time I went out with some friends, I felt like a fish out of water, and told my boy, we are too old for this. If anything we need to be plotting on how to own a club/joint so that these young cats can come pay us coming to our establishment.
Things got to change
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As one gets older, the less bullshit you want to deal with.
If having peace of mind means having to let some people go, so be it.
Most times, you grow, have other interests, while some just choose to stay on the same bullshit, and stagnant.
Life goes on.
And OP - Your initial post sounds just like me these days. I'd rather chill at the crib, cook, invite some selected folks over.
I'm 38. Going out is for the birds
Last time I went out with some friends, I felt like a fish out of water, and told my boy, we are too old for this. If anything we need to be plotting on how to own a club/joint so that these young cats can come pay us coming to our establishment.
Things got to change
^^^^
As one gets older, the less bullshit you want to deal with.
If having peace of mind means having to let some people go, so be it.
Most times, you grow, have other interests, while some just choose to stay on the same bullshit, and stagnant.
Life goes on.
And OP - Your initial post sounds just like me these days. I'd rather chill at the crib, cook, invite some selected folks over.
I'm 38. Going out is for the birds
Last time I went out with some friends, I felt like a fish out of water, and told my boy, we are too old for this. If anything we need to be plotting on how to own a club/joint so that these young cats can come pay us coming to our establishment.
Things got to change
Its been that way for me for awhile now and im not 35yrs old,i cut niggas off many moons ago with the saying my father used to always tell us "If you hang around a bunch of motherfuckers,who don't know shit,do shit and aren't about shit,what does that make you?","You are the company you keep...".I stopped hanging around crooks,I stopped hanging around wanna be's who I found out they go out of their way to buy fake and front to hide a lot of insecurity's they have and be broker than a joke and stay in the club every weekend and they all know each other,I stopped hanging out with family which eliminated a lot of drama and I'm mostly happy with just being with my kid and old lady most times and being bothered when I feel like it when it comes to everyone else.
Social media....will make you lose respect for someone who thought was above the madness and I'm talking about males,nigga's in their late 40's and 50's and other younger than them who you've known all of your life and they have turned into gossiping bitches via the net/facebook or have become attention whores.....
Social media....will make you lose respect for someone who thought was above the madness and I'm talking about males,nigga's in their late 40's and 50's and other younger than them who you've known all of your life and they have turned into gossiping bitches via the net/facebook or have become attention whores.....
I wouldnt say cut off, but more so, grown apart. We all took different paths in life.
I went over my homie's house to catch a game. My best friend passed out on the floor drunk. Same old shit. I asked him why the fuck you drunk at 1 pm? My other homie caping for him. Telling me to leave him alone, he'll be alright. Then my other homie gets in a fight with his roommate over rent and put him out. Homie took the TV on the way out. My boy had just told me he bought the TV for $100 before his roommate got there. Why lie when I haven't seen you in months? I can't fuck with them niggaz. I love them but I can't watch that shit anymore.
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Oh yeah, never had any really close friends or relatives anyway, only friend I have now is an uncle I hardly know. Still got a situation going on for 7 years now but I still keep my head up. Only thing on my plate now is keeping my health up.
not 35 yet but I'm 33 and this year in 2017 I'm down to about 15 homeboys I talk to often and only a couple of homegirls. IT used to be way more and started decreasing in 2010 and 2016 is when it really dropped. It always irked me that lota ppl stopped socializing after marriage/kids, I just don't get it
I feel you on this Fam. Sounds like me with my Boyz, in which I can count on one hand as my circle of friends, when I go back home to visit. Same ole same! I had to cut that water off with that and go home to kick it if and when I felt like it. Especially with all dem cats being married with kids now its not really on the radar that much. Like yourself I just focus on me and what makes me enjoy, be happy in life. As I get older its peace of mind chilling solo.
As one gets older, the less bullshit you want to deal with.
If having peace of mind means having to let some people go, so be it.
Most times, you grow, have other interests, while some just choose to stay on the same bullshit, and stagnant.
Life goes on.
And OP - Your initial post sounds just like me these days. I'd rather chill at the crib, cook, invite some selected folks over.
I'm 38. Going out is for the birds
Last time I went out with some friends, I felt like a fish out of water, and told my boy, we are too old for this. If anything we need to be plotting on how to own a club/joint so that these young cats can come pay us coming to our establishment.
Things got to change
No Doubt! Co-Sign on the Strength!
This was a good thread!
Two year later update:
I have cut off all my old guys and 98 percent of my family.
I just got tired of only hearing from them when they needed something. It wasn’t just money either!
All my guys are either locked up, dead or are super duper losers living off of someone else, family members the same!
I get calls after 4-5 months of no contact even though I see them on FB posting statuses every 10 minutes, every gotdamn day! I don’t really care if they speak to me, I just don’t like people only calling me to ask for shit after they have no interest in talking to me casually from time to time.
The call usually goes as follows:
-Small talk about bullshit
-lame “remember when we” babble
-low key dickriding about my wife and I doing good
-mentions of seeing my post on Fb about blah blah blah (but they never like or comment on them)
- and then finally asking me for some shit (the whole reason they called In the first place)
I’m not with the fake shit so it disgusts me when I get those calls.
Not only that, it pisses me off because it’s the same pattern every time so they are basically insulting my intelligence like I’m too dumb to notice!
At this point it’s just me, my wife and two girls and I love it like that!
Fuck everyone else
Two year later update:
I have cut off all my old guys and 98 percent of my family.
I just got tired of only hearing from them when they needed something. It wasn’t just money either!
All my guys are either locked up, dead or are super duper losers living off of someone else, family members the same!
I get calls after 4-5 months of no contact even though I see them on FB posting statuses every 10 minutes, every gotdamn day! I don’t really care if they speak to me, I just don’t like people only calling me to ask for shit after they have no interest in talking to me casually from time to time.
The call usually goes as follows:
-Small talk about bullshit
-lame “remember when we” babble
-low key dickriding about my wife and I doing good
-mentions of seeing my post on Fb about blah blah blah (but they never like or comment on them)
- and then finally asking me for some shit (the whole reason they called In the first place)
I’m not with the fake shit so it disgusts me when I get those calls.
Not only that, it pisses me off because it’s the same pattern every time so they are basically insulting my intelligence like I’m too dumb to notice!
At this point it’s just me, my wife and two girls and I love it like that!
Fuck everyone else
throwbump
Yes hell yeah after college I had to shrink my circle of friends very small because some bullshit started to happen that was very unpleasant I’m not going to go into full details but I only have a handful of close friends right now. (Oh I had too many female friends and I’m going to leave this story right here Oh it was fun for a minute because I did smash some of them).
.....
At my job I am in a "special" position so I can do stuff like this, but I told my boss this a few months ago. Got a new boss in July and somebody shared something with her they shouldn't have when right after she was hired. Well this bitch had a meeting with me and was heated about the situation. A month later, bitch was trying to be chummy me. I pretty much said verbatim what he said to her. She ws salty as shit and knows to stay the fuck away from me.
....
Still this... same guys, just a few years older...
People online are debunking the idea that having a large friend group is healthier, arguing 'the best' and 'most authentic' people have fewer friends
A TikToker sparked a viral discourse saying she was "the worst version" of herself when she "had the most friends."
www.businessinsider.com
Is making friends as an adult really hard, or is it just me?
It’s tough out there. But it’s not all bad news.by Allie Volpe
Sep 25, 2024, 8:00 AM EDT
Getty Images
Allie Volpe is a senior reporter at Vox covering mental health, relationships, wellness, money, home life, and work through the lens of meaningful self-improvement.
A Vox reader writes: Why is it so hard to make friends as you continue to get older?
You don’t need me to tell you what you probably already know: Forming new friendships in adulthood feels close to impossible (unless you’re a preternaturally charming social butterfly, in which case, good for you!).
For the rest of us, introducing yourself to people is awkward, and inviting someone new to hang out can be more nerve-wracking than asking your crush out on a date. Even if you do schedule a time to meet, who has the time for regular get-togethers when you hardly see your current friends as it is?
Sign up for the Explain It to Me newsletter
The newsletter is part of Vox’s Explain It to Me. Each week, we tackle a question from our audience and deliver a digestible explainer from one of our journalists. Have a question you want us to answer? Ask us here.Although over 60 percent of Americans consider having close friends crucial for a fulfilling life, 8 percent of people 18 and older report having no close friends. And as our reader suspected, as we get older, our social circle starts to diminish. One study found that people generally have the most friends at age 25. After that, we’re in a gradual friend decline for the rest of our lives.
In the midst of an ongoing loneliness epidemic, friends remain a lifeline: They are our champions and cheerleaders, the people we entrust with our closest secrets and insecurities, our companions for life’s moments, big and small.
If these connections are so crucial, why do we have such a tough time forming new ones? After reporting on friendship for seven years, here’s what I’ve found.
Why is it so hard to make new friends?
It’s not just you; most people feel this way. But when we say making friends as adults is hard, it’s because we’re comparing the experience to childhood, when it was indeed easier.As kids, we’re thrust into social situations, like school and sports, with no real say over who’ll be there or whether we can opt out. All this forced time together facilitates relationship-building: Research shows it takes over 200 hours spent with someone to consider them a close friend. Racking up that time is much easier when you’re in the same classroom, playground, practice field, neighborhood, dorm room, or study group.
As adults, who has the time to put in that kind of legwork? Our precious hours are spread between all of our responsibilities and relationships, from work and hobbies to partners and children.
One study found that once we settle down, we tend to shed an average of two friends; all the energy that went into maintaining those friendships is now devoted to a romantic partner.
The older we get, the more fixed, obligatory relationships we acquire: partners, in-laws, longtime friends, children. Modern child-rearing, in particular, can occupy so much space in your brain and calendar that your only social interactions might be with people adjacent to your child’s life and activities — people you wouldn’t necessarily choose to hang out with.
Getty Images/fStop
What prevents us from forming connections?
Remote work has put a damper on another once-vibrant source of friendships: It’s much harder to make meaningful connections with coworkers in the age of Zoom.Fundamentally, many of us are burned out by modern life. When you have nothing left to give at the end of the day, spending time with friends — not to mention putting yourself in exhausting scenarios to make new friends — can feel like a chore. It’s why so many of us have felt relieved when a friend cancels plans at the last minute.
Finally, there’s the problem of our own self-consciousness. Let’s say you meet another parent on the sidelines of your kid’s soccer game. You compliment their shoes, they offer up a witty joke — the two of you might really get along. But you never take the connection off the field.
Why? We have a self-sabotaging tendency to believe other people don’t enjoy chatting with us as much as we enjoy talking to them, a phenomenon called the liking gap. It’s mostly an invention in our heads, but it’s powerful.
So, how can I make more friends?
We should act like kids again.If you have the free time, put yourself in a situation where you’ll encounter the same group of people for an extended period of time, like a club or volunteer group. Then, try to turn off the nagging voice in your head that says you’re not interesting or might say something stupid and strike up a conversation with someone. Remember: they like you more than you think (that’s according to psychologist Marisa G. Franco in her book Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends).
If you’re nervous in your new group setting, you can take a few weeks to warm up and build a relationship with others. You know exactly when and where you’ll see these people again so there’s less urgency. This makes it easier to start building toward 200 hours spent together.
For those who are strapped for time, take note of the people you already see and interact with most frequently, maybe a coworker or a neighbor. What’s stopping you from befriending them? Start with some small talk the next time you see them and graduate into longer conversations as you feel comfortable. The more meaningful these conversations become, the more likely you are to build a genuine friend-level relationship.
As awkward as it may be, ask for their phone number or email and schedule your next get-together before the current one ends. And even if you feel so burned out you couldn’t possibly imagine dragging your lifeless body off the couch for happy hour with a new person, remind yourself that connection is the antidote to that feeling, not isolation.
This will probably feel exhausting because hanging out with new people is more energy-intensive than spending time with those we already know. But it should also be fun. There’s no pressure to find your next best friend, just someone who you’ll enjoy talking to for the next 10 minutes.
This story was featured in the Explain It to Me newsletter. Sign up here. For more from Explain It to Me, check out the podcast. New episodes drop every Wednesday.