Now that's a joke that was tailor made for a rim shot.
That sounds like an old joke that Rich Little would've told Johnny Carson back in the day.
I just heard a good joke. Y'all got any?
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That sounds like an old joke that Rich Little would've told Johnny Carson back in the day.
Now that's a joke that was tailor made for a rim shot.
That sounds like an old joke that Rich Little would've told Johnny Carson back in the day.
Rich little? Isn't that what Jeff Bezos calls his dick?
I'll admit it, I have a
tremendous sex drive.
My girlfriend lives
forty miles away.
tremendous sex drive.
My girlfriend lives
forty miles away.
A man gets into a big argument with his wife so he decides to head up to the local bar and have a drink or two while she cools off. He runs into a few friends and they start celebrating and talking about the good ol’ days. Several hours quickly pass and he decides its getting late and he better start heading home.
He goes to get off the bar stool to leave and falls flat on his face. He makes several attempts to get up but can’t seem to get on his feet. He thinks to himself that he must’ve really over done it this time to be so drunk he cant even stand. He looks around and luckily no one has noticed his drunken display so he crawls out of the bar where he still cant seem to pull himself together. He figures the hell with it, its only a few blocks to his house so he just crawls home and gently slides into bed as not to disturb his sleeping wife.
The next morning he awakes with this feeling of piercing eyes upon him when he notices his wife standing at the foot of the bed with her arms crossed and obviously upset. He mutters out a “Good morning, honey” to which she angrily replies “You were out at the bar all night getting drunk, weren’t you?”
He quickly rolls over and begins to plead with her, “Of course not honey, I wouldn’t do that. I was here in bed with you most of night. Why in the world would you say that?”
She rolls her eyes and replies, “Because the bar called, you forgot your wheelchair again!!!”
Einstein sits next to black man on a long flight.
Einstein says,"Let's play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if you ask me a question and I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". The black man agrees and the game proceeds.
Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?”
The black man doesn't say a word. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out $5. He then asks Einstein, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down on 4?”
Einstein thinks about it for a long time, but fails to answer the question. After almost an hour, he gives the black man $500.
An irritated Einstein then asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill on 3 legs and comes down on 4?”.
The black man reaches into his pocket and gives Einstein $5.
Einstein says,"Let's play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if you ask me a question and I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". The black man agrees and the game proceeds.
Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?”
The black man doesn't say a word. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out $5. He then asks Einstein, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down on 4?”
Einstein thinks about it for a long time, but fails to answer the question. After almost an hour, he gives the black man $500.
An irritated Einstein then asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill on 3 legs and comes down on 4?”.
The black man reaches into his pocket and gives Einstein $5.
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Lol I can't tell you how many wedding speeches I've heard this in.
The other standard is where the speaker asks the bride to hold out her hand and has the groom hold his on top.
Then they say, very cheekily, "this is the last time you will ever have the upper hand."
Japan came out with 8k TV's first, but because of how their eyes are shaped it was really just 4k.
A man is golfing. As soon as he tees off the wind takes his shot way to the right. He is searching for his ball when he finds himself at the edge of a meadow of buttercups, his ball perfectly nestled in the middle. He decides it's such a nice field it would be a shame to ruin it, so he takes his penalty stroke and walks away.
Just then, a fairy appears and says to him,
"That was the most beautiful thing I have seen on this course, for being so thoughtful for the buttercups, I will give you a lifetime supply of butter"
The man looks frustrated and responds
"Well, that's great and all. But where the hell were you when my ball landed over near those pussywillows!"
Just then, a fairy appears and says to him,
"That was the most beautiful thing I have seen on this course, for being so thoughtful for the buttercups, I will give you a lifetime supply of butter"
The man looks frustrated and responds
"Well, that's great and all. But where the hell were you when my ball landed over near those pussywillows!"
In San Francisco there's a brilliant software engineer named Gary. He has an IQ of 171.
He's great at his job, but is high intelligence makes it hard to relate to coworkers. One day Gary finally decides to visit a doctor who has a machine that can adjust his intelligence.
"Look doc, I still want to be smart." Gary tells the doctor "but I'm hoping you can dumb me down just enough that I can appreciate a marvel movie or a sporting event."
The dock straps neurocap on Gary's head and starts the machine. The screen shows Gary's IQ slowly ticking downwards 171....170....169....
Suddenly the doctor leaves the room to take a call. When he comes back Gary's IQ has clicked all the way down to 23.
The doctor is about to adjust it back, but it occurs to him that he has never met anyone this stupid before in his life. He decides to ask some questions first.
"Hey Gary how do you feel?" He asks.
Gary's blank eyes stare directly ahead. His jaw slackens.
"Let's Go..." He drones.
"Go where?" asks the doctor.
" Let's Go..." Replies Gary.
"Could you be more specific?" Asks the doctor.
Gary stares even more intently. He pees his pants while the drool hangs out the left corner of his mouth.
Finally he speaks
"Let's go niners.... Let's go niners..."
He's great at his job, but is high intelligence makes it hard to relate to coworkers. One day Gary finally decides to visit a doctor who has a machine that can adjust his intelligence.
"Look doc, I still want to be smart." Gary tells the doctor "but I'm hoping you can dumb me down just enough that I can appreciate a marvel movie or a sporting event."
The dock straps neurocap on Gary's head and starts the machine. The screen shows Gary's IQ slowly ticking downwards 171....170....169....
Suddenly the doctor leaves the room to take a call. When he comes back Gary's IQ has clicked all the way down to 23.
The doctor is about to adjust it back, but it occurs to him that he has never met anyone this stupid before in his life. He decides to ask some questions first.
"Hey Gary how do you feel?" He asks.
Gary's blank eyes stare directly ahead. His jaw slackens.
"Let's Go..." He drones.
"Go where?" asks the doctor.
" Let's Go..." Replies Gary.
"Could you be more specific?" Asks the doctor.
Gary stares even more intently. He pees his pants while the drool hangs out the left corner of his mouth.
Finally he speaks
"Let's go niners.... Let's go niners..."
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Teacher: "There are 3 birds on a power line, one gets shot. How many are left?"
Johnny: "Two."
Teacher: "No, none are left. The gunshot scared off the other 2, but I like the way you think."
Johnny: "There are 3 women sitting at a table, and one's sucking on a popsicle. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking on the popsicle."
Johnny: "No, the one wearing the wedding band, but I like the way you think."
Johnny: "Two."
Teacher: "No, none are left. The gunshot scared off the other 2, but I like the way you think."
Johnny: "There are 3 women sitting at a table, and one's sucking on a popsicle. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking on the popsicle."
Johnny: "No, the one wearing the wedding band, but I like the way you think."
Lol
Every single pun from the last of us was hilarious
Left Behind:
The following puns are known to have come from this book after Riley gives it to Ellie in Left Behind.
"A boiled egg in the morning is really hard to beat."
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity, and it's impossible to put down."
"It's not that the guy didn't know how to juggle... he just didn't have the balls to do it."
"I'm glad I know sign language. It's become quite handy."
"I forgot how to throw a boomerang. But it came back to me."
"When a clock is hungry... It goes back four seconds."
"I once heard a joke about amnesia... But I forget how it goes."
"When the power went out at the school... The children... were de-lighted."
"Those fish were shy. They were obviously coy."
"The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands."
"I didn't have the faintest idea... as to why I passed out."
"There was once a crossed-eyed teacher... who had issues controlling his pupils."
"Diarrhea is hereditary... It runs in your genes."
"I heard two peanuts walk into a park... One was as-salted."
"What is a pirate's favorite letter? Tis' the c."
"Those two men drinking battery acid will soon be charged."
"The midget psychic escaped prison. He was a small medium at large."
"I'm inclined...to be laid back."
"Newspaper headline reads: Cartoonist found dead at home, details are sketchy."
" The Magician got frustrated and pulled his hare out."
" A criminal`s best asset... is his lie-ability."
" I heard about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda. He is lucky it was a soft drink."
Jokes from Riley:
"What did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless."
"What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late? A cold shoulder!"
Left Behind:
The following puns are known to have come from this book after Riley gives it to Ellie in Left Behind.
"A boiled egg in the morning is really hard to beat."
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity, and it's impossible to put down."
"It's not that the guy didn't know how to juggle... he just didn't have the balls to do it."
"I'm glad I know sign language. It's become quite handy."
"I forgot how to throw a boomerang. But it came back to me."
"When a clock is hungry... It goes back four seconds."
"I once heard a joke about amnesia... But I forget how it goes."
"When the power went out at the school... The children... were de-lighted."
"Those fish were shy. They were obviously coy."
"The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands."
"I didn't have the faintest idea... as to why I passed out."
"There was once a crossed-eyed teacher... who had issues controlling his pupils."
"Diarrhea is hereditary... It runs in your genes."
"I heard two peanuts walk into a park... One was as-salted."
"What is a pirate's favorite letter? Tis' the c."
"Those two men drinking battery acid will soon be charged."
"The midget psychic escaped prison. He was a small medium at large."
"I'm inclined...to be laid back."
"Newspaper headline reads: Cartoonist found dead at home, details are sketchy."
" The Magician got frustrated and pulled his hare out."
" A criminal`s best asset... is his lie-ability."
" I heard about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda. He is lucky it was a soft drink."
Jokes from Riley:
"What did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless."
"What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late? A cold shoulder!"
I told that one to my grandmother when I was 10. She put her hands on her hips, give me an angry look, and in her sternest grandma voice she said "young man, if you're going to use that kind of language you can go back to the gutter where it came from."
When we got home my dad laughed his ass off and said "she's one to talk."
From that moment on I learned that my 4'10" blue-eyed Mrs doubtfire looking granny was a straight savage.
A young white American soldier was stationed in the Middle East. It was a small isolated outpost in the middle of a vast desert. Because of local custom all the soldiers were men.
The young grunt asks is fellow soldiers "what do you guys do for sex out here?"
The soldiers give each other a knowing smile and say "on the 15th of every month that's when the camels come."
At first the young soldier is disgusted. But as time drags on and the loneliness gets to him he starts to wonder if he actually could fuck a camel. A couple more weeks past he doesn't just think it, he NEEDS to get some of that sweet sweet camel pussy.
Finally, the 15th comes and all the men cheer as the camels pass closer to the base. The young grunt can't wait. He runs towards one, drops his pants, yells out of war cry, it beats the brakes off that camel bitch.
After he finishes his fellow soldiers look on horrified.
One of them asks "what in the unholy hell are you doing?"
Confused the young grunt responds "hey, you told me that we use the camels for sex."
The other soldier shakes his head and disgust. "No you idiot, we ride the camels back to town. That's where all the hookers are."
The young grunt asks is fellow soldiers "what do you guys do for sex out here?"
The soldiers give each other a knowing smile and say "on the 15th of every month that's when the camels come."
At first the young soldier is disgusted. But as time drags on and the loneliness gets to him he starts to wonder if he actually could fuck a camel. A couple more weeks past he doesn't just think it, he NEEDS to get some of that sweet sweet camel pussy.
Finally, the 15th comes and all the men cheer as the camels pass closer to the base. The young grunt can't wait. He runs towards one, drops his pants, yells out of war cry, it beats the brakes off that camel bitch.
After he finishes his fellow soldiers look on horrified.
One of them asks "what in the unholy hell are you doing?"
Confused the young grunt responds "hey, you told me that we use the camels for sex."
The other soldier shakes his head and disgust. "No you idiot, we ride the camels back to town. That's where all the hookers are."
What do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff
Beef stroganoff
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with,
but I've been trippin' all day.
Nooooooooo lol